So since this is something I struggle with, it has been extra hard coming home and feeling like I am not meeting the expectations that I have for myself or worse thinking of what my Heavenly Father had for me. Along with that whole determination factor, I am also more competitive than I should be. I want to be good at everything I do and so when I struggle it really bothers me.
Now that I have given all of my deep dark secrets away, I will tell you what I have done to get over it. There have been some good days and bad days. For a little while I felt like I had life figured out, now more than ever I know that I don't... not even close :) But I do know that I can try, and I can continue to try for the rest of my life.
I wish I could give you a list of steps I took to help with getting over feeling inadequate. But I'll just talk about a few experiences and hope that in someway you can pull out something that will help you.
I absolutely love the scriptures. I love the people and the stories in there and I always tried hard to make my studies effective. But time is a pain in the toosh I tell ya! And my scripture study has been slacking, I have talked about this like 1000 times because it bugs me that it is not better. So I know that it is okay that I still read every day, but not as much as I would hope. It really is okay, yes I know that there is mighty room for growth, but I have no reason to beat myself to a pulp just because I am not as great as I would like to be as long as I am doing something.
I find a lot of comfort in going to church. I know that may sound lame, but man what a sacred place that is. This weekend we were out of town and Sunday morning rolled around and we were sooo tired. We were staying at my sisters house and I had forgotten my make-up and church clothes and it would have been so easy to just keep sleeping and no one would know. I tried to convince myself it would be alright, but I could not shake that guilt feeling. So we went, my boyfriend in a t-shirt and jeans, and I in a borrowed dress. People were so friendly and so kind. They didn't care what we were wearing or if for a bit I may or may not have dozed off it mattered that we were there and it mattered to me that we were there!
I always tell people you know what is right and wrong. But sometimes that line can get a little more blurry the closer you get to it. Even if it is blurry it is okay to just be okay for a bit. Patience is so important, I know that, I know that right now it is not one of my huge strengths, but I do know that because of our Savior, I can totally make that weakness into a strength. Especially in regards to coming home from such a spiritual high.
My mission is soooo sacred to me. It really is a point that I hold highest in my life. I care about the gospel, even more than my family... which is hard to take in but it is true. It is everything to me. Instead of living in the past I am doing my best to take in what I learned and apply it to life right now.
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